Christmas.
Its the most wonderful time of the year.
Right?
Sorta.
For this season filled with love and family and joy, it can also be one of the hardest times of the year for families. For some their tables aren't full, there are people missing, and holes left in peoples hearts.
Hug your loved ones. Mend broken fences and hurt feelings. Forgive. Because you never know when your life will drastically change.
December 9, 1994 was the date my brother died. The Christmas season has always been bittersweet. Such a joyous time filled with family and the celebration of Christs birth, but also a reminder of whats missing.
( ...someone threw my frisbee in the pond, hence my look of disgust)
Just a few years later on January 1st my cousin Josh was killed in a snowmobile accident.
I know of others who have lost loved ones around this time of year. The pain is still very real. Probably more so for my aunts family than us. We have had more time to deal with the loss, more chances to cope. But nonetheless its still hard.
I was only 5, which I think being young was good. I remember Josh's death and funeral much better than Alex's. But being pregnant now, I have thought about it more. Especially since I am a carrier for the disease that they say killed my brother, and since the child I am carrying is a boy. The doctors way back when told my parents that boys get the disease and that women are the carriers. However, when we consulted my doctor about it, he said he thought Matt would have to be a carrier for it too for the child to get it, but he wasn't sure. I think because it is such a rare disease, not much is known about it. I haven't done much research. Every now and then I will type it into google and see what comes up. It tends to be a lot of big words and medical jargon. I am sure advances have been made since my brother had it, I don't know though, I haven't looked into it much. Some may think that's irresponsible or even irresponsible to consider having a child knowing I am a carrier, but I say why?
We chose not to opt for genetic screening. Maybe sometime after his birth when things have calmed down we will, but not now. What good will it do knowing whether or not our child has it? Will I love them anymore or less? No. Will I be able to mentally prepare myself for what we would have to endure as a family? Not anymore than I already have been doing for the past 18 years. For now we are thanking God for this precious child he has blessed us with, and taking one day at a time.
God always knows what He is doing. Allowing us to get pregnant now, and with a boy.
"...weeping may endure the night, but joy comes in the morning." Ps 30:5 This Christmas there is SO much to look forward to. My parents adoption is
still finally going through, and in just a few short months we will have a precious little baby in the family.
I think this baby will bring a lot of healing to our family. Not so much a replacement, but a new kind of joy, a new life. I do believe we have already healed and coped well, or as well as you can cope losing your only son and best friend. We obviously aren't perfect, and we have fears and flaws from experiencing such trauma, but that is to be expected.
Death changes people. The statistics on what the death of a child or sibling does to families is very frightening, but I think my family has done so well.
I don't think this baby will replace Alex, nor do I want him to. He can't. Nothing and no one can. I remember in my counseling a few years back when I was talking about getting married and wanting a family that my counselor said I need to heal before I go searching, because I can't put the weight of the absence of my brother on my husband, or our children. And have them try to fill that void in my life. I didn't understand it then, but before we got married...I learned. And it was so important and I'm so glad I did! We are talking about using Alexander for a middle name. Not as a way of trying to replace him or even really in memory, but out of respect and love. Plus its a super cute name! It could definitely still change, but we are loving it right now!
This year December 9 falls on a Sunday, which just so happens to be when we scheduled my baby shower. It is always kind of a dreary day of remembrance, but this year there will also be a lot of joy! Games and food and gifts and fellowship. We will be celebrating a brand new creation, a new life! Instead of simply mourning a loss. From now on December and January won't only hold the memories of sadness and hurt, but now also new memories of joy and life! This isn't moving on and forgetting. We will never forget, and we will always be changed, but this is good, and joyous and such a blessing from the Lord, and we are SO excited God chose now.
