Sleepless nights

I try not to be one of those complainers.

I was the one who always envied pregnant people. 

I hated it when they complained about morning sickness, and being tired, and back and leg pains, and food cravings and aversions, and all those not so great pregnancy symptoms. I just wanted that. 

All of it. 

And I hated that they didn't realize how blessed they were to be able to carry a child.

But here I sit after another sleepless night.

This pregnancy has been rough. 

Don't get me wrong...I absolutely LOVE being pregnant, and feel so blessed. When I am feeling good...I feel amazing. Like I feel the most beautiful and happy I have ever felt! I think pregnancy is such a beautiful thing. And I will honestly miss it once the little guy is born. But...those times are rare, because most often I am plagued by constant nausea. I have tried not to let on to family and friends how bad it is, because I don't want to be a debbie downer, but after a third night of laying on the bathroom or nursery floor, I am about at my breaking point.

I thought morning sickness was supposed to go away after like 12 weeks!?

Granted, during the day it has gotten better. I can at least get out and do things now, actually eat food and function. But at night, it has gotten progressively worse. 

We have talked to my doctor about it, and they have run a lot of blood tests to make sure everything is fine, and it is. My doctor just said it is my body's response to the baby and changes in hormones, and until I get that little parasite out of me, it will probably stay. (Not so sure how I feel about him calling our baby a parasite, but I understand what he means.)

It is no fun though. For me or my husband. I try to stay in either the bathroom or nursery so that he can get his sleep. But he sees me from 9pm (when I usually first start feeling sick) till we go to bed and how tired I am during the day, and hears me talk about it enough to know I am seriously miserable.

Last night as I was in the nursery crying and just wanting to feel better and get to sleep I had a little vision of 2 months from now. Matt sleeping in the other room, me crying in the nursery with the baby, so tired and frustrated. Maybe this is preparing me for that? I have never liked being awake at night. My mind plays tricks on me...my body just wants to sleep, everything in my being screams that I should be in bed. 

I must say I am getting pretty good at it though. I grab a Bible, a few books to read, the iPad to play games on, a computer if I feel like doing some blogging and just settle in and wait for that bout of nausea to pass. I turn a lamp on dim, and it is actually pretty peaceful (minus the part about my insides feeling like they are being ripped apart). But last night I could picture myself doing that. 

The sleepless nights are what I have dreaded most about baby being born, because I do NOT do well on no sleep. I pray that once the baby is born the nausea will go away (from what everyone says, it does) but I can actually picture myself enjoying those nights. Time to myself, snuggling with our baby, sitting in my recliner just relaxing and enjoying this newborn stage. I know it will still be a shock to me once it happens. First time mom, so many new things to experience and learn, but I am not afraid of it anymore. I was literally dreading those sleepless nights before. But I look forward to it now. I look forward to the bonding with our child. I look forward to getting more integrated in the Word, I look forward to time spent in prayer. Even though my initial action is always to pray out of anger and resentment for being sick yet again (did I just admit that), it ends up turning into something good. Softening my heart, praying for others...not so self-centered, praying about positive things, blessings in life instead of focusing on negative.

So I guess if I can find a positive in all of this, that would be it. I feel prepared for those sleepless nights, and I know I can do it now. Not only that, but I am not wasting energy and stressing about it. I will just take it as it comes. I will probably be up in the middle of the night a lot, but I will look back on this blog and focus on the positives. And then, I will sleep when I can. Our little family will get through it and be just fine, and a few weeks from now when the little guy makes his grand arrival, I will be a pro at being up and functioning well at night!