Every now and then if you take a step back you can see God's hand at work.
This morning was rough.
But I saw a few glimpses of God's grace looking back at it now.
Reagan woke up at 4am...and wouldn't go back to sleep.
I nursed him.
Rocked him.
Changed him.
He would sleep in my arms but as soon as I laid him down he would be wide awake.
Finally at 5am...I said...I can't do this anymore, and just left him.
He wasn't crying or even fussy...he was just awake.
And I was dead tired.
Like more tired than I have ever been.
5:30 he starts fussing again.
I get up with him and hold him for a few minutes...but I am just SO. TIRED.
I give him his paci and lay him down again.
He fusses. Matt gets up and gives him his paci.
He fusses. I get up and give him his paci.
This time I can legitimately tell he is tired...and he falls asleep.
6:15 I hear him moving around again.
Not crying...just starting to get agitated.
So I get up and nurse him while Matt gets up and around for work.
The whole time I am so annoyed and SO TIRED.
I honestly don't know what my deal is.
Reagan has been sleeping till 7 or 7:30 lately...so it's not like I am lacking sleep.
I just keep stewing and getting angry that Matt won't take him.
*uh duh hanna...he has to get ready for work*
But I'm still selfishly so annoyed.
He finally comes in to take him
*probably just to say goodbye for the day actually*
but I hand him off and head straight back to bed.
I'm not sure what happened in the next few minutes because I fall right back to sleep.
Matt comes in and puts Reagan in his bouncy next to our bed...and I think we argued about something. I am not even sure :/
Feeling a little guilty about this now...
But then he leaves for work.
I remember saying "just go to sleep, Reagan. Please."
The next thing I knew he was giggling and talking and it was 8:30.
Looking back now I realize how selfish I sound, but I also see a few glimpses of God's grace.
The fact that Reagan wasn't screaming or even crying or even really fussy while he was awake.
a little bit of grace.
God knew I couldn't handle that today.
The fact that Reagan fell back to sleep when Matt put him in his bouncy seat in our room.
a lot a bit of grace.
Once he is awake...Reagan is awake. He doesn't nap well at all. Usually around 20-30 minutes.
God knew I needed that hour of sleep.
After I got up with him at 8:30 I changed his diaper and got him dressed.
Poop explosion.
More guilt for letting him sit in that :(
I then put him in his jumper.
I knew he was hungry, but I wanted to put my contacts in, get something to drink...
Selfish.
All the while he happily played in his jumper.
God's grace.
Reagan is a very demanding baby.
He knows what he wants and he wants it NOW.
Patience isn't a virtue he currently has.
But he happily played while I got myself together.
I then sat down to nurse him and he was happy as could be.
Talking.
Giggling.
We then snuggled for a bit and we had a little chat which included me apologizing for being a grouch and selfish this morning.
He didn't know what was going on.
He held no grudge.
He was happy. Content.
God's grace.
I could take a lessen in forgiveness from him.
Not holding grudges.
Being happy in the moment and just moving on.
2 Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness....”
I was weak this morning.
Angry.
Selfish.
I could be bitter about the whole situation.
I am still tired.
My head feels like it might explode.
But I saw God's hand at work this morning...little signs saying "you will be ok...here is a little bit of grace"
And for that I am so thankful.
Oh, and look. He's napping again.
So I could get some breakfast and write this post.
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