I have started about 5 posts lately...and haven't continued on with any. I have so many thoughts running around in my head and I don't know where to begin with writing them. So I decided to just go with it and start with a post about our upcoming trip.
I have been having anxiety lately about leaving Reagan.
A few weeks ago I mentioned Matt surprised me with tickets to a Marriage Retreat.
And I am SO excited!
But as the day is drawing nearer I am stressing about it more and more.
I had written out this LOOOONG post pouring out my feelings and heart towards leaving him.
But I ended up deleting it all and starting over...
It comes down to this:
I am nervous about his breathing.
I am nervous about him choking.
I am nervous about him falling down stairs or off something.
About him being sad and inconsolable.
I am nervous about him feeling abandoned.
I am nervous about his sleeping.
I am nervous about him getting hurt.
I am nervous about him feeling neglected for not getting to nurse.
I am nervous about him missing us...
When it all comes down to it...he is the Lord's child and in HIS hands.
This is one of many firsts where I need to relinquish control in parenthood.
As his mother I can only protect him from so much.
I can't shield him from everything...and I can't hover over him.
A friend once said that she didn't think mother's should want or need time away from their children.
And I completely disagree.
As much as my heart is completely torn...I know this is important for Matt and I.
To focus on our marriage. And each other.
To learn new good habits for our marriage, and to come back from this rejuvenated.
My prayer these next few weeks is that I am able to calm my heart so that I don't spend our whole trip worrying and curled up crying about what he is doing...or if he is okay.
That I will be able to relax and enjoy my time away with my husband.
YEP......you're a tried and true mom! Because EVERYONE who is reading this post that IS a mom, has thought and felt EVERYONE of those feelings. That's the LOVE bond you talked about NOT having at birth, but that you definitely have now! And all of us that have grown kids, like you, are proof that the child and parent survived (and may even have thrived) that first "longer time away" trip. But relinquishing control is a wise decision.....hard to do, but wise. Love you, momma
ReplyDeleteIf you are leaving him by your parents' house you know they are experienced at childcare and love him very much so he is going to get wonderful care. You must focus on having a good time. So proud of Matt to plan this for you! I wish we could have done this at your age. We had to learn it as we lived our lives and commitment is a big part of it. G & G K
ReplyDelete...and the feeling NEVER ceases, even when your kids are adults. They're just different types of "nervous" situations. It takes a lot of prayers and trusting in the Lord and His plan.
ReplyDelete