Dear Reagan - 10 months

I can't believe 10 months is here already!

All your little friends and cousins are turning 1 and I can't help but think that you are next!

So soon!

We have been busy busy this past month. And I have been pretty much silent on the blogosphere for the entire month.

Woops.

So 10 months.

You seem like such a little peanut now. 

You are just barely over 21 pounds and 30 inches tall.

You mostly wear 9 month clothes.

I have been buying you a few more 12 month clothes, but most of them are still big on you.

I honestly don't know how you are staying little though.

You eat ALL.DAY.LONG.

I could feed you nonstop and I am pretty sure you would be happy.

You had your first real bout with sickness this past month.
And you had your first (separate from the sickness) trip to the ER.
You handled both amazingly!
Your doctors office loves you...you are such a little sweetie! And of course you brought on the charm at the hospital too!

You go go go all day long.

You are getting so quick at crawling.

I still think it is the cutest thing ever.

And you LOVE to climb the stairs.

You can get to the 4th or 5th step in just a few seconds. 

And you love us to chase you all the way to the top. 

You giggle and giggle.

Your grandma thinks you will be full-out walking in the next few weeks.

Before 11 months.

And I would have to agree. 

You walk along furniture and pretty much anything else that you can.

You love to walk behind your new Christmas toy!

I have even caught you a few times going from one piece of furniture to the next and letting go and taking a step before grabbing the next piece of furniture.

Ah!

The biggest change this month besides you seeming like you're 4 months older is that your daddy and I decided that I was done nursing you in the middle of the night and holding you and rocking you back to sleep.

For the most part you have always been a good sleeper...you started sleeping through the night at 2 weeks old! But, around 7 months old you went through a growth spurt...and I just think you got used to being nursed and held during the night, because ever since then you have been waking up and wanting to be nursed and/or held. So we decided to bite the bullet and go for it. 

...it was a long week.

BUT!

I think we might be there!

...maybe

Sun, Mon, Tue you went to bed between 10-11 and slept until 8 or 9!

Even when you were sleeping through the night you would be up by 6 or 7...so the 8 and 9am has been amazing!

Wednesday night you were awake again though :/ But by how you sounded and how you were acting...I think it was gas..
Last night was bliss again though!
You went to bed at 9pm and slept till 8:30am!
I love being able to wake up before you and still feel RESTED!
And this view never gets old :)

You still LOVE people.

My word. 

Taking you out is such a joy :)
You don't care if they are old or young or look REALLY rough or really rich...you have smiles and things to say to everyone!

I am definitely looking forward to this month.

I am looking forward to your dad being here for most of it with us and being able to enjoy watching all these little things that he misses while he is at work everyday.

Maybe even those first steps :)

Welcome to 10 months, buddy.

Dear Reagan - 9 months

I figured I better get around to writing Reagan's 9 month update or else before I know it he will be 10 months old!

I meant to write it before our crazy busy long Thanksgiving weekend, but didn't get around to it...hence being a few days late. Today is 9 months from his due date though...so that counts, right?

I remember being pregnant and looking at the 9 month clothes and thinking about how far off that would be, and how it didn't seem like he would EVER fit in clothes that were that BIG!
I can't believe that time is here...9 months.

Dear Reagan,

These last few months it seems like you are hitting milestones and growing up way too fast.

You really mastered crawling this past month.

You have gotten quick!

You really think you are hot stuff...it is so cute.

When you get all excited you will try to go really fast and put your head down and flop your hands against the floor.

You still love your little scoot manuever though.

You also walk along all the furniture.

Upstairs on the wood floors you will take stools or chairs and walk behind them and push them along.

You are much better at falling.

Every now and then you will crash your head flat on the floor, but more often now you fall to your butt...or do a little tumble and roll it out.

We started giving you finger foods.

Homemade baby muffins and pancakes, cheese, fruits and veggies.

So far you have eaten everything we have given you.

Except peas. You refused to eat them.
Mmm. Blueberries.

You still nurse about 5 or 6 times a day.

I also try to give you baby food 3 times a day now instead of twice.

We have started giving you sippy's with water during the day too whenever you eat snacks or finger foods. I had a feeling you were getting dehydrated...and this seems to be helping.

The not so fabulous part of this month: you have been an awful sleeper!

You only slept through the night once this whole month...and even then you woke up at 6:30.

I don't know if you are going through a growth spurt or what, but your mama is tired.

You get into everything now!
Including the toilet
*ugh*
You also figured out how to flush it.
In an hour span this morning, you flushed it 5 times :)
Your favorite place to play though is the lid drawer.

If we leave you downstairs you will climb the stairs.

You wear a pretty equal mix of 9 month and 12 month clothes.

You got to experience your first snow!
And you were pretty fascinated with it...

...until you were actually out in it.
Then you weren't a fan.

You LOVE people.

 I cannot wait to see the person you become as this lovable, highly energetic, and very animated personality comes about.

I hear at least once on every trip out (but usually more like 4 or 5 times) someone say:

 "oh...he just made my day!"

You will smile and laugh and jabber and jabber to anyone who looks in your direction.

It is seriously the sweetest thing ever.

And it makes menial tasks like grocery shopping and errands such a joy!

You have 6 teeth now!
I can't wait until your 9 month well check to see your height and weight.
I am guessing your height has increased by a lot, but your weight is still about the same...maybe just slightly heavier.

You don't have stranger anxiety and aren't really a mama's boy...but you cling to me ALL. DAY. LONG. I think it's because you just get bored with just me. You need people to entertain you.
When you are around other people and children you have so much fun!

I have a feeling this month will have a lot in store!
It is your first Chirstmas and I am so looking forward to all the memories and traditions we can start.

Love you Reagan-man.
p.s. lets all get some sleep tonight

Goodbye Something Wonderful

As you can see I have changed things up...again.

I still have more to do.

I am still trying to figure out how to customize my text. 

Whenever I add an exclamation point to my current text...it looks like an "L" at the end of the word.

See!

It has been bothering me.

I also want to add links to my pinterest and instagram and so on...but I haven't figured that out yet.

So bear with me...
Does anyone else feel like my blog is just like a scrapbook that I keep changing the pages of?
Because my husband does...

I also changed up the name.

Goodbye Something Wonderful.

When I created this blog a few years ago I literally thought for about 30 seconds and thought "oh...you can find "something wonderful" at all times in all aspects of life" and then just kind of went with it. It seems so juvenile though...so I have been thinking for a little bit about a new name.

Insert cute picture of Reagan for fun :)

His tuft is coming back!!

I wanted to do something clever using our street name.

Matt nixed that idea and said he didn't want me putting that on my blog for the crazies to track us down.

So somehow "the springs" came to mind.

A few days ago in my devotions was the verse:

John 4:13 "Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

Matt said I should come up with a title that has something to do with contentment.

I kind of agreed. 

I know many people who struggle with being content in their current situation.

Ourselves included.

So I decided to incorporate the two together.

When you aren't content you are always wanting more. 

Things that are bigger and better.

And these things only satisfy for a short time until we need and want even more.

The life-giving water that Jesus talks about in that verse is never-ending and will fill our soul with all it needs.

So that is where the new title comes from.

To remind myself where true contentment comes from.
That I need to live and love and learn right now where we are currently at in life.
The size of our family.
The location of our home.
Matt's schedule...
Because there is SO much happening right now.
Right now does matter because we are making an impact on eternity.
If we are constantly striving for trivial things our "thirst" will never be quenched.
Sometimes when our wants and "needs" don't line up with God's current plan it is hard to understand and be happy, but it is such a comfort to know that God has given us everything we need.
That wherever we are in life He will satisfy and we can display his grace to others.

Oh..and the clever part of the title...because we do currently reside in "the springs"

;)

Weekend to Remember

Matt and I got back Sunday evening from our Marriage Retreat and I have been wanting to write a post about my thoughts from the trip, but I just haven't been sure what to say.

As I've said before: I have wanted to go to a Marriage Conference ever since we were engaged.

First off...I am glad we didn't go when we were engaged.

The whole thing would have been awkward.

Where do you go when everyone else went back to their hotel rooms?

And the "marriage after dark" session. 

Ha!

 I would have been mortified if I was a young engaged lady.

But anyway...onto our trip!

Saying goodbye wasn't so bad.

I only felt like tearing up a few times.
The first night was hard. I missed Reagan, but for the most part I think we all did well.
I think it helped that he did so well.
My mom said he was a little angel
 

I LOVED our speakers!
Kudos to FamilyLife for picking them...and I am sure all the other speakers are just as fabulous.

They kept us engaged and interested, told stories of their personal feats and failures, and were HILARIOUS!

Most importantly they were genuine Christians, people I would like to learn from, people I could relate with.

It was defintely not what we expected though.

It was not a vacation.

Even though we got away from Reagan...I think we were more tired when we got home than we were when we left.
They keep the weekend jam-packed.
When you aren't in sessions, they give you projects to take back to your room and work on.
Really the only free time was Saturday evening that they had set aside for date night.
I think it would have been a little different if I wasn't still breastfeeding. Pretty much on every break I had to run back to the room and pump.

 I am SO GLAD my body responds to my new pump :)
I pumped off between 30-40oz a day.
I would have been in a lot of pain if I couldn't have pumped...

Anyway, back to the retreat.
They mentioned that every marriage is either moving toward oneness or drifting towards isolation. There isn't really an in between.

And that kind of hit home for me.
Even though Matt and I's relationship wasn't suffering, we had gotten quite comfortable and lackadaisical in our marraige.
It's sometimes hard to be intentional about my marriage when Matt is gone 16 hours a day or when I feel like I've given all I can to Reagan during the day and there isn't anything left in the evening.
I know I have heard it before, but one of the speakers gave the airplane oxygen mask analogy:
"put your mask on, and then help others around you"
Our marriage needs to be infused so that we can give and display love to our children and friends and family.

This is the only picture we took of the two of us while we were gone. I even brought my good camera and everything, but the few pics we did take were with Matt's phone.
I guess it isn't as much fun to take pictures without a sweet little babe in them.

Another thing that we discussed was the different roles God has designed for husbands and wives.
This was probably one of my favorite parts of the weekend!
well...and the marriage after dark session ;)
We broke up into groups of men and women...and then discussed our corresponding roles.

I have struggled in the past since having Reagan what my role is.
And I know some of that is in part to our society and their skewed view of success.
When you describe how the man is the leader of the home, and how a women was made to be his helpmate and submissive to his leading...it often leaves a bitter taste.
Being referred to as your husband's "helper" is not the vision most woman want.
I found it interesting that God even refers to Himself as our helper.
"Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the updolder of my life."
Obviously he wouldn't call himself an unworthy name.

I sometimes think as stay-at-home moms we feel we have to defend our families decision.
I see many people posting blogs and articles proving just that.
While I almost always agree I rarely try to post or say anything about it.
I know there is no swaying other people's opinions of us...of me.
I just need to know that in my heart that this is where I should be.
That this is where God has called me right now.
And how that if I am within His will nothing else matters.

A wise woman embraces God's design for her home.
While I may get more gratifaction from others if I worked outside the home.
That is not where I am called to be right now.
And that gratification will fall short in eternity.
I need to embrace this time at home.

To love on my husband and children

To serve them

To respect and support Matt

To teach and train our children.

To choose to be the woman, the wife and mother, that God designed me to be.
Life is full of choices.

It just clicked in my heart while they were talking, and my outlook has changed.

Her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her:"Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceitful, and beeauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." - Proverbs 31:28-30

Yup, sometimes I don't get any gratification.

There are a lot of days that I don't get any breaks and feel like going crazy.

There are times when I see my husband succeed over and over again and can't help but feel like I am overlooked. That all my "behind the scenes" work is null.

But the Lord sees.

And that comforts my heart more than anything.

I know Matt notices too...and this retreat kind of opened his eyes to me needing his reassurance as well.

Let me just add a disclaimer that I have nothing against moms who work outside the home.
Because I know some people will read this and get all angry.
If we were in the position financially that I needed to work, we would figure out details and I would.
And if God laid on my heart that I needed to be outside the home doing something else I would definitely be praying and trying to figure out just where God wanted me.

That is not the case right now...so I am just writing this based on what touched my heart, and where we currently are in our life. So just keep that in mind.

So those were some of my favorite parts of the trip.
Some of the things I found interesting or that really hit home for me.
All in all I am SO GLAD we went.
I highly recommend that you go to a marriage retreat as well.
It was good for our marriage.
It was good for us individually.
And I am so glad we left Reagan.
The first time is always the hardest...and now I know that he (and we!) can handle it!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Right?

 

We leave for our little getaway in 3 days.
-insert tear filled sob-

And no, everyones opinion on the matter doesn't help at all.
Oh...my son is only 8 months old and I am still breastfeeding him?
I didn't realize that...thanks for clarifying.
I can totally picture my mom cringing right now that I am being sassy
*sorry mama*

I have had 4 people tell me (3 in a roundabout kind of way, and 1 directly) that I shouldn't be leaving Reagan for so long, or so soon.

I can assure you I have already thought up every.single.scenario that can and WILL happen while we are gone.
I have thought of all the worst case possibilities and all the "what ifs"

Just as in many other instances in the past 8 months (and a few a lot more to come over the years) I need to relinquish control.
God has entrusted Matt and I to be Reagan's parents.
And along with that comes the responsibility to make decisions for the best interest of Reagan and our family.

We aren't doing our family any justice if Matt and I never get away.
I know I sound like a broken record...but when we are home...we are busy.
I am 24/7 wife and mom, because Matt is 24/7 work and college.
We don't really have friends or family down here and we don't get breaks.
I know this season in our life is almost over...hopefully only a year left!
But right now it is hard.

This little getaway is for our marriage.
Because our marriage and faith is the base of the pyramid on which our family stands.
And right now we are in the trenches of life.
College, marriage, parenting our first baby.
We need to instill firm values now so that they become good habits.
We have come a long way in our marriage of almost 3 years...but there is always room for improvement and always things to learn and work on.

So in 3 days we will leave our son for the first time for an extended period of time.
Overnight.
Twice.

-We (read: Hanna) will probably cry.
-Reagan might too.
-He WILL probably be confused and miss us.
-He might not want to nurse when we get home
(I highly doubt that...but it might happen) But guess what? Remember when I wrote this post about giving Reagan formula for the first time? That was almost 4 months ago...I got 4 more wonderful months of breastfeeding him. And for that I am thankful.
-His schedule will be off.
-Our schedule will be off.

You know what else though?

-Reagan is going to have a heck of a time with my family.
He loves my siblings somethings fierce (seriously...Jordan can make him laugh like no other. He is SO GOOD with him)...and there is no one I can think of better than my mom to watch Reagan.
-He will have so much fun and be so entertained. He will be kept busy and distracted the entire time.
-Matt and I will have fun.
-We will go on dates
(...say what?)
-And get to dress up...without having my necklace or earrings ripped out!
-We will get to SLEEP IN *gasp*

When we come home we will all be rejuvenated and more than ready to see each other.
And bonus...Matt took Monday off too, so we will have an entire day to recover and enjoy ourselves as a little family :)

There is a quote somewhere by someone that says
"do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway..."
Eleanor Roosevelt, I think?

This is what is right for our family right now.
Yup, you bet it will be hard.
But I also know great things will come from our short trip away.
Things that will benefit our family greatly.

Dear Reagan - 8 months old!

This last month has just seemed to drag by.

I don't know if it is because the days without Matt were long...and the nights with you up screaming were even longer or what. But it seems like this past month took forever to get through!

But the time has come for another montly update.

My sweet Reagan man, you are 8 months old!

You have grown up SO MUCH this past month.

You have hit so many milestones...and I just don't feel like you are my little baby anymore.

You are mainly in 9 month clothes.

Some 6 and some 12, but mostly smack dab in the middle.

You have stayed about the same size for awhile now.

 

I think we can officially say you are crawling!

You started getting up on your hands and knees a month or so ago...and gradually within the last week you have been choosing to crawl places.

 You still much prefer your little scoot manuever though.

And this is your new pose lately.

You get up on your hands and toes and stick your butt WAY up in the air.

It's hard to get a picture of it though because every time I bring the camera out...you come running toward me and smiling :)

But it looks a lot like the downward facing dog yoga pose.

I think we nailed down why you were up screaming so much for the past two months.

Teeth.

Your two bottom teeth never really caused you issues, so I didn't know what to expect.

And because I didn't see any inclination of teeth...I didn't think that was the problem.

About a month into your "screaming in the middle of the night issues" your cheeks started getting red and that is when I thought it might be teeth. 

And then I noticed a white bump on your top gumline.

Within a week your 3rd tooth popped through, and we got 3 fabulous nights of sleep.

And then I spotted the next white bump.

 I am sure by tonight your 4th tooth will be through!

The closer they get to popping through the more sleep we are getting.

For some reason they must cause you more pain when they are still deep in your gums, before we even know you are teething.

You are interested in everything.

We can't get away with fooling you with much anymore.

And if we have food...you are VERY interested.

So far all we've really given you is puffs and cherrios though.

I think we are going to start giving you soft finger foods and see what you do, because you seem really interested. 

I know I already expressed this before...but you LOVE your daddy!

You are like a little puppy dog following him around :)

 

You are getting more hair!

You aren't going to look like a little old bald man forever!

You have started pulling yourself up completely.

It went from pulling yourself up to your knees one day...to pulling yourself up to a completele standing position the next.

Slow it down.

You LOVE having us hold onto your hands so that you can "walk" all around the house.

You still have a fascination with cords and tags.

You are dangerous to walk through goodwill with..because you literally just sit there and pull tags off clothes as I am looking.

Despite the screaming, you have been so much fun this past month.
I love watching you grow and learn so many new things.

I very much look forward to all that this next month has in store!

He was made to be a dad.

Let me preface this by saying I don't fit into the typical mold of a "blogger"

I wouldn't call myself a writer.

I rarely give out my opinions or advice on stuff.

I typically just write about my life and what comes to mind.

I get way too emotionally involved in my posts and probably take too many pictures.

I am far too wordy.

But that's ok.

It is what makes this little space unique.

I know mostly just family reads this.

Although I have gone from about 30 views per post when I first started to around 100 now on every post...so I am totally feeling popular!

And when I was writing the posts about my siblings I was getting THOUSANDS of views per post!

But anyway...back to what this post is about:

My hubby.

There isn't much that he is "bad" at. 

He is one of those people who puts his mind to something and studies and figures it out and excels at it. Always.

It's actually kind of annoying sometimes.

When we found out we were expecting, he was so excited.

He was totally enthralled by the ultrasounds.

And when he found out we were having a boy...he was ecstatic 

(although I am pretty sure he would have loved a little girl just as much)

 When Reagan first popped out I think he was a little caught off guard though.

His response was "his head looks like a hacky sack" 

umm :/
I didn't know how he would take to parenting or if he would love children that much. Growing up with so much distance between him and his siblings, he didn't really have much experience with babies.

But he took to parenting like a pro.

Everyone always says that "so and so" was MEANT to be a mother.

And I do know a lot of women who fit that motherhood role perfectly.

But my husband. 

He was meant to be a dad.

He changes diapers.

I never changed a diaper until we got home from the hospital...Matt did it all while we were there.

And dresses him.

And bathes him.

He spends genuine time with him.

He is patient and kind and just such a good daddy.

There are some days many days where I question my sanity and think Matt was much more cut out for this parenting gig than I am.
But I am shown a little bit of grace and a reminder that we are in this together.

Being parents completely changes the dynamic of marriage.

If someone would have told me that two years ago

1. I wouldn't have believed them.

2. I would have got angry.

But it is true.

You see each other in a completely different light.

You see those sweet moments where you feel like you can't love someone anymore than at that time.

And you see the awful, hard, trying times.

When you go nights and days without sleep or showers or proper meals.

Seriously, college has nothing on new parents.
I have never in my life felt so tired.

Your patience is tested to the core.

And somehow through all of that, despite Matt working full-time at a very demanding job, and going to college full-time to finish his degree...he excels at his family life at home.

He comes home with a smile and picks up his role of husband and father.

There are many times, MANY, where I complain.

How his work asks too much of him.

How his college is taking too long...and is too hard.

How he has WAY too much homework.

Umm hello? I am not even taking the classes...

But I have never heard him complain.

Never.

There are times when he comes home and is tired.

There are many times we have missed out, because his work or school got in the way.

But he doesn't complain.

I mean...the man walks two miles to and from work...even the in the dead of winter.

If that doesn't give justification for complaining I don't know what does.

He has been #1 on the parking lot list for what seems like FOREVER.

Is it too selfish to ask that someone leave so my husband can just have a dang parking spot?

Okay...I've completely went off a tangent.

I can just picture actual bloggers and writers cringing.

Back to my husband being a good dad.

He has every excuse to slack on his roles at home.

When he puts in 15 and 16 hour days every week.

He has the right to say he's tired.

That he doesn't have time.

But that is not my husband.

My husband knows his true calling.

He may have a great job.

And may even have a greater career once he graduates, but he knows that is all trivial.

"It's just a job" he says.

If given the chance I know he would be spending his days home with us.

Spending time and making memories with his family.

Working on our marriage. So that it exemplifies Christs love.

Helping mold our children into the likeness of Christ, and help them grow be exactly who God has called them to be.
This is where he was meant to be.
And this is where I love seeing him the most.

When we were dating Matt used to say he wanted 3 kids.
And then it gradually turned to 4 or 5.
People said that after we had kids...that it would change.
Now that we have Reagan...it has changed.
Now he wants 6 or 7 or 8.
We'll have a whole herd of little Engels!
And yes, that will be hard.
Just as this current season of our life is hard.
But God gives us grace to get through.
And if we are meant to be the parents to a lot of kiddos...I would be honored to go through that journey with Matt.

I couldn't have asked for a better husband.
Or a better daddy for our kids.
And I can't imagine my life without my Matt Pat.

"Lo, children are a heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of the mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man who hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate." - Psalm 127: 3-5

Time well spent

Sometimes I have a hard time relaxing.

I don't know how many times Matt has told me to stop folding the laundry and just talk with him or play with Reagan. 

To just relax.

Is it just me or did adding a tiny little baby triple the amount of laundry we have?!

I get caught up with life way too often.

I always want my house to be clean.

To have dishes and laundry done.

To have meals prepared.

For Reagan to hit his milestones.

And I often am so stressed about those trivial things that I don't take the time to just relax and enjoy life.

Matt often tells me that I set the mode for our house.

Whether I am angry, stressed, sad, or happy and content...it affects him and Reagan.

On Matt's long days; days that Reagan doesn't even see him...and sometimes I don't either, I am often in the angry/sad/stressed mood.

Last week was no exception.

I was frustrated and Reagan was grouchy.

(He is almost always fussy on those days...probably partly because I am not my happy self, but I also thinks he knows it is getting close to bedtime...and his dad isn't home yet. And I think it just throws his schedule off)

My house was A MESS.

I didn't make dinner.

I instead made a quick trip into Cedar to get some TK hoping Reagan would fall asleep.

...and since no one who reads this blog knows what TK is other than maybe my sisters, I better clarify by saying Taco Bell.

Well...

1. He didn't fall asleep.

2. I then still just had a fussy baby...and then I also felt guilty about eating some delicious TK too...

I was finally over it and decided to take Reagan to a park nearby that we had drove by earlier.

I just left everything like it was.

We got there and ALL the baby swings were taken.

Of course.

What am I supposed to with a baby at a park?

He can't crawl...he can't really play with anything.

My sole purpose in going was for the swings...which were currently being used by children far too big for them.

I was totally annoyed.

So...I got his stroller out. And we walked around and around and around the park. Probably 3 or 4 times.

And everyone stared at us.

For those of you that don't know Reagan...the kid is loud.

He LOVES to be outside, so he was talking away and giggling...and everyone kept looking at us in search of the loud baby.

And...after numerous laps...

The kids were still in the swings.

So I took him out of the stroller and plopped him under some trees to just sit and play.

He loved it.

He had never seen pine needles before, and they totally fascinated him.

He may or may not have eaten a handful of them.

He probably played there for a half hour.

I took a lot of pictures.

I listened to a couple of kids that looked about 13 break-up...and then about 15 minutes later they made up.

I read part of a book.

It was relaxing. 

The kids finally left...and we took over the baby swing area.

He loved it.

Of course.

So we swung for awhile.

And then we went over to play in the leaves.

And he loved that too.

And again with the eating them.

Always.

 I need to remember to take the time and slow down and enjoy each day.

Reagan could care less what the house looks like.

I know he prefers spending time like this with us.

The only thing that would have made it better in his eyes is if Matt was there.

We watched the sunset...and then headed home.

My house was still a mess when we got home.

And then I had to postpone cleaning even more because I had to give Reagan a bath when we got back because he was a sneezy itchy mess...but it was worth it.

And when Matt got home that night he said..."I'm glad you aren't grouchy tonight, that makes my day so much better"

I'm ashamed to admit that I typically don't greet him with a smile and a kiss on those days.

And by typically...I mean hardly ever.

It's like I don't realize that he has had just as long a day as I have...going straight from work to class.

I need to remind myself to slow down and enjoy life...and not worry about how my house looks, or that I make gourmet meals everynight.

I need to remember to focus on my family.

And spend genuine time with them...and just relax and have some fun.

...and to try and not be grouchy and Wednesdays and Thursdays, because my hubby who works so hard for us and my sweet baby who is so innocent and sweet can totally tell when my attitude is bad.

My first time away

I have started about 5 posts lately...and haven't continued on with any. I have so many thoughts running around in my head and I don't know where to begin with writing them. So I decided to just go with it and start with a post about our upcoming trip.

 

I have been having anxiety lately about leaving Reagan.

A few weeks ago I mentioned Matt surprised me with tickets to a Marriage Retreat.

And I am SO excited!

But as the day is drawing nearer I am stressing about it more and more.

I had written out this LOOOONG post pouring out my feelings and heart towards leaving him. 

But I ended up deleting it all and starting over...

It comes down to this:

I am nervous about his breathing.

I am nervous about him choking.

I am nervous about him falling down stairs or off something.

About him being sad and inconsolable.

I am nervous about him feeling abandoned.

I am nervous about his sleeping.

I am nervous about him getting hurt.

I am nervous about him feeling neglected for not getting to nurse.

I am nervous about him missing us...

When it all comes down to it...he is the Lord's child and in HIS hands.

This is one of many firsts where I need to relinquish control in parenthood.

As his mother I can only protect him from so much.

I can't shield him from everything...and I can't hover over him.

A friend once said that she didn't think mother's should want or need time away from their children.

And I completely disagree.

As much as my heart is completely torn...I know this is important for Matt and I.

To focus on our marriage. And each other.

To learn new good habits for our marriage, and to come back from this rejuvenated. 

My prayer these next few weeks is that I am able to calm my heart so that I don't spend our whole trip worrying and curled up crying about what he is doing...or if he is okay.

That I will be able to relax and enjoy my time away with my husband.

Dear Reagan - 7 months!

This month has seemed to fly by!

It seems like I JUST did your 6 month update.

But time doesn't stand still...so welcome to 7 months!

You aren't such a chunk anymore. 

You have dropped out of the 100th percentile for height

And your weight is only in the 70th now.

You wear mostly 6-9 month clothes.

You started army crawling everywhere!

Our doctor said that some babies don't crawl, as long as you are mobile and can get where you want that is all that matters! Which you can do no problem...you are a quick little guy.

We are still holding out for seeing you crawl though :)

And due to your recent events and how quick you are...our gate for upstairs came just in time!

And in typical fashion you think its a new toy to play with.

You have also been caught numerous times laying by it and tossing your toys down the steps.

You have also recently started trying to pull yourself up onto stuff.

You aren't quite strong enough yet, but you will usually get yourself about halfway up and just hold that position for awhile and then drop back to the floor.

I was going to do your whole 7 month photoshoot in plaid and overalls to get in the spirit of fall. But you are getting a little more difficult to take pictures of. You don't sit so still anymore!

But seriously. You make an adorable country boy.

We started brushing your little teeth.

You think it is absolutely hilarious.

We've gotta keep those pearly whites nice and white!

You also have been going through this phase for the last 2-3 weeks where you wake up everynight screaming...for numerous hours.

This is so new to us. 

You have ALWAYS been a good sleeper.

So we have been some tired parents.

We thought it might be teeth.

We thought it might be growing pains (turns out babies really do grow the most at night...who knew?)

But last night you slept from 9pm till 7am again.

So who knows.

But I will gladly welcome more nights like last night :)

I used to think you were a mama's boy. 

That was probably just because I was the food source, I suppose.

But you LOVE your daddy something fierce.

Which is no surprise. He is SUCH a great daddy.

You really are blessed to have him as yours.

You light up whenever he is around.

I chopped your tuft of hair off.

Those 10 little hairs were getting SO long and kept getting caught in stuff...something had to be done.

And you are SO CUTE.

I am probably the only one that can really tell, but I love it!

You have started sucking your thumb again lately.

Don't get caught up staring at those baby blues though...you were using your thumb-sucking as a disguise to stuff grass and sticks into your mouth.

We are looking forward to what this next month will bring with you.

All the different challenges and milstones you will reach.

We are really praying it will bring a little more sleep though

love you my sweet boy, 

mama

The bond of Motherhood

This fall a lot of friends are having babies.

Babies seem to come in waves.

Late last winter/spring there were a bunch of us having babies and now there are a lot again coming up this fall.

And I am so excited for them!

When you are pregnant EVERYONE seems to give you advice.

Which I didn't really mind this time around...maybe after 2 or 3 or 4 babies it might get annoying, but with my first I took it all in.

One thing that almost everyone seemed to say was how amazing the motherhood bond is.

How instantly as soon as you have that baby that you are bonded.

And how it makes all the pain worth it.

I am sure all my pregnant friends have heard it too.

Part of me agrees...and part of me really doesn't.

There is that part...that bond...that only a biological mother can have.

You have carried that child for 9 months.

You have felt them move and watched them grow.

You are bonded with them.

But after I had Reagan I didn't feel it.

Yes, I was excited...but I would not say I immediately felt SO bonded to him like everyone describes.

Maybe it was the pain meds.

Maybe it was that I was tired.

But that bond did not happen with me...for weeks it seemed.

Even with breastfeeding people will tell you what a HUGE bond that is.

And yes, part of me agrees with that too. I love that time with Reagan, but at the same time IT.IS.EXHAUSTING. Having to sit down every two hours and feed him is a lot of work. And its tiring (especially in the middle of the night) It isn't all fairies and roses like people describe.

And a lot of women really struggle with breastfeeding.

That wasn't the case with me, but I would imagine that would make the bond even more difficult.

There were times that I felt like I was just working a really long babysitting gig.

That I was just watching and caring for this child. And that was it.

And part of me felt so quilty.

Because over and over again people tell you that you will be bonded instantly.

That it will be love at first sight.

The reason I am telling you this is because I did feel so guilty. 

I really felt like something was wrong with me.

That I was living someone else's life...and I wasn't loving my baby as much as I should.

Let me just tell you that is not true.

The more blogs I read I began to realize more and more that I was not at all alone in how I felt.

While it may be true that some women do have that instant bond from the get-go...there are a lot of us where that case isn't true.

Where the bond forms over time.

Like when Reagan smiled at us for the first time.

Or learned his name.

Or sat up on his own.

When he learned to eat babyfood.

When he learned to do his army crawl.

Where with every new milestone he would look at me and smile like he was saying "hey mom...look what I can do!"

Those things are when the bond formed for me...and where that bond continues to grow.

Part of me says I asked for this.

We feel very led and do plan to adopt one day.

And we have always prayed that our bond and our love will be the same for all of our children, whether biological or not.

So maybe that is why I didn't feel instantly bonded.

The Lord knows what is in store for our family, and maybe an adoption where a bond has to form over time is the reason.

When I had Reagan I was under the impression that you either had full-blown post-partum depression...or that things were going perfectly.

And that is not the case as all.

Postpartum can cover a whole spectrum of emotions...and all of them are normal.

Although if you are feeling really depressed and having trouble caring for you or baby...you should go to the doctor.

I do LOVE being a mom.

I have always known I wanted to be a wife with lots of little kiddos.

But this "bond" was so much different than I expected.

So much more work.

Took so much more time.

And was not at all they way people described it to me.

So all of my friends that are soon-to-be new moms know that you are not alone when you don't think things are going perfectly...or that you aren't loving your baby as much as people describe.

It will come with time.

And you are doing an excellent job.

Postpartum Update

I know they say 9 months on 9 months off.

I don't know who "they" are, but it makes sense.

Reagan is only 6 months old, but I decided to do this last postpartum update early.

I already have lost all the baby weight - plus some, so I figured I would just get this post out of the way. 

Plus Matt was home to take pictures for me :)

This was me at 6 weeks postpartum.

At 6 weeks postpartum I was already down 30 pounds from giving birth.

And 15 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight.

This post is me at almost 4 months postpartum.

I had lost about 45 pounds since giving birth.

And was about 30 pounds less than I was pre-pregnancy!

And this is me today.

Next week will be 7 months postpartum

I have lost a total of 60 pounds since giving birth!

Seriously that is A LOT!!

And I weigh 45 pounds less than I did pre-pregnancy :)

I still would like to lose about 10-15 more pounds to be at my ideal weight.

Honestly though I am absolutely fine if I stay the size that I currently am.

I am completely happy with how I look right now.

Very happy!

And I feel confident and healthy.

And my weight is within a normal range for my height.

At about 3 months postpartum I had bought a pair of jeans at goodwill that I loved!
But they absolutely did not fit.

They were my "goal" jeans.

And I am proud to say that they fit with no problem now...they are even a little big!

I realize that this is not the norm...that my postpartum journey was VERY easy.

That I did not have to do a thing to let that weight fall off.

I chalk that up to:

- I only gained 15 pounds while I was pregnant anyway.

- I breastfeed...and the child eats like a moose.

- Hence his moose-like statute I have gained some serious muscles lugging him around.

- And I think my hormones were somewhat fixed those first few months postpartum. That is really the only explanation I have for how the weight came off so fast. I knew I had hormone issues before...and I did feel a lot different those first few months after having him.

- I do think I also eat healthier. Not only for myself, but because I know that whatever I am eating Reagan is getting too.

I haven't lost any weight in a month now.

But I am fine with that, because I look and feel great!

Is that self-centered to say that I look great?

Anyway, I just wanted to give you all an update.

Hope you are having a great weekend!

I am loving my time with my Matt Pat and Reagan...minus the fact that Reagan has been waking up and screaming for hours during the night this last week.

Seriously child...we are exhausted.

But that post is for another day...

Enjoy a Sunday of worship and rest tomorrow, friends :)

- and I don't know why that bottom part is italicized and some is bold and some isn't...my blog is having issues. And I am too tired to deal with it and figure it out right now!